


6 Times Audrey's Badge Was Her Identity

by Nocticola



Category: Haven (TV)
Genre: 4x6 Countdown, 5x26 Forever, Autistic Audrey Parker, Episode: s01e01 Welcome to Haven, Episode: s01e11 The Trial of Audrey Parker, Episode: s01e12 Resurfacing, Episode: s01e13 Spiral, Episode: s02e01 A Tale of Two Audreys, Episode: s02e12 Sins of the Fathers, Episode: s03e01 301, Episode: s05e07 Nowhere Man, Gen, Post-Troubles (Haven), Stimmy Audrey is stimmy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-07
Updated: 2018-12-31
Packaged: 2019-08-19 22:56:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 2,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16543907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nocticola/pseuds/Nocticola
Summary: Audrey's badges mean a lot to her. Sometimes she feels they are what connects her to herself.





	1. Welcome to Haven

**Author's Note:**

> Spiritual companion fic to Nathan's 4x1 set _The Badge [Don't Want It]_

One of the proudest moments of Audrey Parker's life was graduating Quantico and getting her FBI Special Agent badge. It shows her, that even though she doesn't have a family, she still belongs somewhere, that she can still make a difference in someone's life. She takes her job and her badge very seriously. Sometimes maybe too seriously, considering her lack of vacation time taken. And her lack of friends and lasting relationships. But she makes a difference with crime solved, every perp apprehended, and that badge gives her the authority her small frame, blonde hair and cute demeanor rob her off. 

She’s met guys in weirder ways than playing ‘show me your badge’ in a Haven standoff with a local cop, but she can’t help but be slightly charmed but the guy’s awkwardness. The fact that he can take her sarcasm and give it back makes her think this just might be a nice, simple, case. 

But she was wrong. Instead she wakes up naked in a strange bed, and the fact that her badge is still there, right on top of a not-her-shirt, provides her with much needed comfort and confidence in a town that seems determined to take both from her. 

But there’s something about this town she can’t shake, and as she ends her phone call requesting vacation time from her boss, she thinks she and her badge just might fit in here for a while.


	2. The Trial of Audrey Parker/ Resurfacing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was wondering if I could write this one thing in one go, but sorry, no, so here's the first 2 chapters. Hopefully I'll update this soon, though.

As she makes her way home (it feels almost odd to use that word, but it feels right) on the almost sinking Cape Rouge, Audrey has a lot of time to think. She’s not quite sure why she brought her badge with her to a simple recon/poker night, but she did. She thinks about everything Agent Howard has been saying about her, her methods, her place in this world. Is it in Boston? Is it in Haven? Is it somewhere else?

Is it in the FBI?

She’s not sure when she picked up the habit of rolling her badge on her hand when she’s nervous, or thinking, or when she just needs something tangible about herself to hold onto.

(She briefly thinks about Nathan, and how he doesn’t have physical connection to himself, yet he has a home and other connections. They are a weirdly symmetrical pair)

When they are again on land, and Agent Howard demands to know why he should let her stay in Haven, Audrey has made up her mind. Her FBI badge was her identity for so long, she wasn’t quite sure if she could have any other. But now she knows she can. She has. She has a connection to Haven. Haven is the answer to her identity questions. The FBI is not enough anymore. So she quits, and gives her badge away.

(It still hurts, though)

***

The next morning, before they make their way to the beach to inspect a ship wreck, Nathan drives her to the police station. In there, Laverne gives her her brand new Haven PD badge. The Chief just happens to be around when it happens, and Nathan just happens to have an extra cupcake from Rosemary’s. Audrey really could get used to this. She eats her cupcake in the Bronco, and Nathan let’s her with only a few disapproving grunts.

Later, when Nathan finally tells her he’s glad she’s staying, a part of her wants to touch him, touch her badge, those things that make her connection to Haven real and tangible. But she doesn’t. She can feel her badge, new and different, and that’s enough. (And she’s not brave enough to do the other thing, yet)


	3. Spiral/ A Tale of Two Audreys

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanna finish this fic during 2018, so look for a daily update for the rest of this fic.

She was Lucy Ripley. She, Audrey Parker, was Lucy, they share a scar on the sole of their foot. She doesn't remember where she got it, and while James Garrick's story doesn't feel like it happened to *her*, but it must have. It doesn't quite make sense, (but what in Haven does?) but it has to be true. 

Yet she now has a Haven PD badge issued with name Audrey Prudence Parker, with her birth date and signature. That means she's real, right?

As she goes back to work, she plays with that badge, the proof of her identity, and for some reason it helps her in her efforts to concentrate on the case of the cracks that have plagued this town longer than she's been here. But she can't quite concentrate, and Nathan sends her home, badge and all. When she goes home to rest, she examines her badge over and over. She *is* Audrey Parker, isn't she? Her badge claims so. 

***

After a long and exhausting day, after she tells Nathan her secret about Lucy, she has to stare at another badge, this one issued by the FBI to another, different, Audrey Prudence Parker, with the same birth date, but a different photo and signature. This woman uses her words and her name and Audrey has no idea how to process that information.

Later, after the Trouble of the day settles and the other Audrey's Agent Howard has come and gone, Audrey can't help but examine the FBI badge of Audrey 2 (it's not the best name but she's not sure yet how else to call her). Everything else is the same except for the photo and signature. How deep does this all go? How can you fake an FBI badge that well? She thought she was working for the FBI for months. What on Earth is actually going on here?

Audrey 2 promises to help her figure this out. Audrey is uncertain how to feel about it all but she could always do with more allies. They can both be Audrey, for now. 


	4. 2x12 Sins of the Fathers/3x1 301

Audrey's discussion with the Teagues was less fruitful than she wanted, but they always are. She did learn something new, though. She used Sarah, who left behind a ring. Before she drives off to meet Nathan at the crime scene, she takes a moment to just stare at the ring. It seems old, with green stones on a golden band. There are no carvings, and she can't tell whether it's a wedding or engagement ring (she's never been much for those). The ring gives her more questions than answers.

She takes out her badge, and just as she thought, she could hide the ring inside it. It's not the best hiding place, but she quite likes having it near her, whatever it means. 

***

After her ordial is done, and Wesley Toomey and his Trouble are gone, Audrey is not quite sure what to do. The experience has left her shaken and numb. Finally, Nathan envelopes her in HPD jacket and she finally starts feeling warm, because of the jacket and Nathan's proximity, and then he hands her her badge, and even though her kidnapper called her Lucy and she has Sarah's ring inside her badge, it's still *her* badge. No matter how many people she's been, she is still herself. She feels grateful that Nathan understands that. She holds onto that badge as she demands answers about the Colorado Kid, and it keeps her grounded. 

When Nathan takes her home, she takes the ring out, looks at it, at her badge. This is all her. It's confusing, but it's her life. She'll make sense of it all. She's not whole yet, but maybe she can be again. She'll the symbols of herself fit.

(But then, she finds out about the Hunter, then what it means, and she never gets the chance.)


	5. 4x6 Countdown

Audrey as Lexie arrives at the station, and the looks she is given by her former and future colleagues vary between being welcoming and confusion. Audrey's own feelings do the same. Being back here is weird. It was weird yesterday, but that day was busy and full of trying to keep track of what exactly happened during the last six months and pretending she doesn't know every crook and cranny of this place. This is different. 

She wasn't supposed to be back, not this soon, not like this. But the station still feels like home, even though she needs to pretend like she's a different person than she is. 

She wasn't completely lying to Nathan when she came up with her excuse. She does need to get her paper work back in order. It's really weird to deal with this as Lexie DeWitt though. Or actually as Lexie DeWitt pretending to be Audrey Parker with amnesia or something. Everything feels like such a performance. She wishes she could stop lying but as long as Nathan's life is in danger, she'll keep up the ruse.

After her paperwork is filled out and she officially exists again in the HPD database, she gets her badge back. Because she has to pretends that she's not quite Audrey, her reaction to the badge has to be muted. But getting her badge again, it makes everything real. She's really back in Haven, and as confusing as her existence is right now, she is still Audrey at her core, and the badge means so much to Audrey. It always done. That proof of existence, of connection to something bigger than herself.

When she has a moment alone in the office she shares with Nathan again, she gives the badge a little hug, then digs into it to find her ring still there. She quickly hides it again, puts her badge on her hip where it's supposed to be and starts looking into the Trouble of the day. It feels good to be home.


	6. 5x7 Nowhere Man

As much as she tries to hide it, Audrey feels very unsettled, being back at work. Being back after Mara is so different to being back as a Lexie/Audrey hybrid (a Laudrey, if you will). A part of her was very eager to go out and *be* Audrey Parker. Do what she wants to do, is meant to do. Help people. It feels good to have her badge with her again, to rescue it from the taint of Mara's misuse of it. She wants to show everyone just how Audrey she can be. 

But realizing she's not immune, the victim's spouse's and Rebecca's reactions, she doesn't quite have it in her to fight against Nathan suggestion of staying home until the smoke clears. She can work from behind the scenes for now. 

And then Nathan has to go and disappear, and it's time for her to do her thing, except she's alone. She throws herself into work, like she always does, now with added incentive of saving Nathan. 

It's good to get out and have something for her to do, to fix this case and proof to everyone who she really is and how she's different from Mara.

She fumbles a little, getting kidnapped by The Guard, feeling hopeless at her failure to solve the Trouble quickly, missing Nathan. But she knows who she is. She's Audrey Parker. That's something. That's enough.


	7. And The One Time It Isn't (Paige)

Miraculously, Audrey is given the chance to go back to Haven, to live her life as a normal woman, with Nathan and their son, James. They all get a second chance, to be a family. It's all she's ever wanted. 

She just has to choose who she will be. There are so many women she's been. So many she doesn't remember, what their names where, what they did. What they went through, who they loved. She has to go through this, one final time. It's painful, but Audrey has to say goodbye. At least on the surface.

Audrey thinks about being a cop again. Being as close to Audrey as possible. Thinks about connecting with Nathan through small town cop stuff again, cats and tipsy, half naked housewives. But is that what she wants this time? Haven is saved, no more Troubles to fight. She can be someone else this time, someone new. Someone who isn't a broken orphan without friends. She can be happy, and whole. Someone who can help Haven cope with the aftermath of the wreck of the Troubles. She can fix things, one last time. Does she need a badge to do that?

Being in law enforcement is all she's known for so long, it was something she had when she had nothing else. But is that what Haven needs now? Is it what she needs or wants? Maybe it isn't.

She wants a fresh start, wants to be a good mother to James, help Nathan heal from everything they went through. She wants to heal, too. She wants the Sunday drive Nathan talked about. She wants to be kind and soft and open. She wants things to be easier for who she will be next. 

She needs to do something else. Maybe she'll be a teacher. The thought makes her happy. 


End file.
